30/30: crossing the finish line!

How I’m feeling after completing my self-imposed challenge to write 30,000 words in November

It’s the final day of my month-long writing challenge. I’ve already hit my total target to write 30,000 words by the end of November. As of Day 29, I’ve written 30,014 words this month. So in principle I could stop there and not bother writing a piece today. But I want to write some final words on the final day of the challenge - every piece of writing needs a conclusion after all.

I don’t have any grand pronouncements or dramatic conclusions to make, so I think it will be a relatively short piece. It’s nice to be in a position to be able to write as much or as little as I want today, rather than still be chasing my total target word count for the month.

Positive 1

I did it! I’ve completed the challenge and proved to myself that I can do hard things. There were definitely times over the course of the month when I doubted that I’d make it to this point. Publishing my daily words to my Substack definitely helped - as I predicted that element of external motivation helped me to keep going. I’m not sure I’d have stuck at it for the whole 30 days if I was writing in private. It would have been easy to skip a day or two if the words didn’t come or life got too busy, and then I would have found it very hard to get started again.

Negative 1

I’m currently firmly convinced that 80-90% of what I’ve written this month is terrible, that I’m a terrible writer. I feel excruciatingly self-conscious that I’ve published my unedited daily words on a public platform where anyone could read them. The imposter syndrome is strong: what am I doing? who do I think I am? I haven’t earned the right to call myself a writer - I need to spend a lot more time developing my skills, taking courses (maybe getting a qualification?), practicing writing before I publish anything.

Positive 2

I’ve written 30,000 words more than I had on 31 October. Most of them are directly related to the larger memoir project I’m working on. They might be a ‘shitty first draft’ but they are really concrete words on (virtual) paper: nebulous ideas and thoughts that I’ve pulled from my head and crafted into sentences and paragraphs. This challenge has pushed me to stop procrastinating, to stop telling myself that I’m not ready to start writing yet, that I need to do more research, more training. Instead, I’ve just started writing, seizing imperfect, snatched moments of time and space to do it in, rather than waiting for some mythic time when the conditions will be perfect.

Negative 2

I’ve only re-read a few of the pieces I’ve published this month. I haven’t dared to read any more, for fear of becoming too self-conscious to keep going. In the pieces that I have read back over, I can see the weaknesses really clearly. Flabby parts that could be cut, sentences that meander on and on without going anywhere. Sections that I think would be better with the addition of some direct speech, or words that help to locate the narrative in a particular place and time (a beach in early spring, a garden in high summer). I plan to re-read all the words I’ve written next month, and I know that I will identify more weaknesses.

Positive 3

I know what areas I need or want to improve in. I’ve got a growing list of narrative techniques I want to practice more, which will help me be more focussed when I’m looking for writing courses or workshops to take. Alongside that, I’ve got a list of scenes that I know I want to include in my larger memoir project that I think would benefit from redrafting and editing, trying out some different ways to frame them. I knew it would be a shitty first draft, the aim was never to end the month with 30,000 beautifully polished words. Instead, it was to give me a foundation to build from, and I’ve achieved that.

Negative 3

The house is falling apart. No one’s done any washing up in at least a week and there’s a towering pile of dirty pans and baking trays that is growing by the day. My exercise regime is largely non-existent. I have bought zero Christmas presents yet (although that’s not that unusual for me) and my anxiety about the month ahead is growing. My youngest son is currently hovering behind my chair as I write, telling me how bored he is and that he wants me to stop writing so much every day so I can play with him more. The maternal guilt is a heavy load to carry.

Positive 4

I’m going to end on a positive, because overall I’ve enjoyed this challenge and I’m proud of myself for making it to the end. It has felt so good to prioritise myself and my needs and wants this month. I can tell that my writing skills have improved over the last month - that’s another benefit of doing the thing rather than just thinking about the thing and planning to do it. I’ve written some sentences and paragraphs that I’m really pleased with, or that I’m confident can be good with a little more work. I’ve had fun writing every day and playing with words, trying out different topics and techniques and framing devices. I want to hold on to that feeling, to keep playing, to keep writing.

929 words