A cornucopia of swifts and Self Esteem, internal seasons that don't always align with the external season, mothering as a verb and as a container, connection, and a surprising amount of poetry
Ellen, this is a remarkably rich post - so much to say on it - I so often feel totally overwhelmed by the growth and speed of things at this time of year, a grief and anxiety creeps in. So interesting that you observe the lack of it this year and the connection with your writing ... THAT feels like something to sit with alot.... I too don't feel quite so overwhelmed this year - does writing keep things slower somehow, ever as the world hurtles by?
also the HOLDING - I love the idea of us both blaring these epic tunes as we drive for school drop offs ! I screeched up late to collect my kids the other day with I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER blasting out the windows :-) :-) I think I'll go see her live in september... I also love your reading of the lyrics, I took other things form them and that is a beauty in and of itself - how many stories a song can hold.
Thanks Layla, I had a wonderful moment of flow state while writing this post so it’s good to hear it sparked lots of things for you. Also good to know I’m not alone in my seasonal ennui - I’ve felt like such a scrooge some years!
There are so many bangers on that album - perfect for a car singalong! And excellent timing for your arrival at school pick up 😂 I love how the same song can carry so many different meanings and associations for different people.
So much richness in this post that I want to come back to, Ellen. Saving for later so I can dip in and out across the week ahead, in fact. Happy May to you and thanks especially for the reflections on how the change in the season lands with you xx
Ellen there is so much to love here, I read the post earlier in the week and just came back to re-read. I love your observations on mirroring the abundance of spring with your writing life. Very moved by your descriptions of your own experience of mother/father energy (they sound similar to my own relationships with my parents) and how the way we are held evolves into our holding of others when we become mothers ourselves. I feel like a lot could be soothed by close intergenerational friendships! And I love that writing feels like a way of holding yourself.
Swifts - my mind is blown. I think I must have seen some as I was wondering what on earth those tiny birds in the sky could be (giant moths?!) what a wild species!
Lastly (!) - thank you for reminding me that I hadn't yet listened to Self Esteem's new album yet. been listening all week, what pure joy (and just about to book tickets for brighton, everywhere else in the south looks sold out!)
Delighted that it merited a re-read Chloe! I think you’re right about the intergenerational friendships - in my 40s I’ve developed several friendships with women 10 years or so older, and there’s definitely a feeling of being held by someone a few steps ahead of me on the midlife/menopause “journey” (hate describing things as a journey but sometimes it’s the only word that fits!). The gap between me in my 40s and them in their 50s feels smaller than 20s to 30s, or even 30s to 40s somehow.
Ellen, this post! I knew there would be so much in it from the post header but ahhhh reading it was so validating. I know “feeling seen” is a well used phrase but the emotions you describe about feeling out of kilter with the sudden burst of Maytime feel so apt and relevant for me right now. Two weeks ago I was revelling in the pink blossom of the park and now it’s all gone and covering the windscreens of cars along the street, and in its place we have days of sunshine, bbqs, big blousy flowers in bloom. It all feels very sudden and I’ve been struggling with that, especially as it coincides with a big shift for me in caring/working. Thank you for voicing what I’ve been finding hard, and for reminding me that Self Esteem is there to turn up loud and there are swifts to look out for x
Glad it spoke to you Clare, and it’s so good to know I’m not alone in my conflicted feelings about this point in the spring. I had a wobble on my drive to work this morning - everywhere is so green and lush and it felt too much. It’s the cherry blossom that gets me too, and how fast it disappears. Hope your caring/working transition is treating you kindly, it’s a big one to navigate ❤️
Ellen, this is a remarkably rich post - so much to say on it - I so often feel totally overwhelmed by the growth and speed of things at this time of year, a grief and anxiety creeps in. So interesting that you observe the lack of it this year and the connection with your writing ... THAT feels like something to sit with alot.... I too don't feel quite so overwhelmed this year - does writing keep things slower somehow, ever as the world hurtles by?
also the HOLDING - I love the idea of us both blaring these epic tunes as we drive for school drop offs ! I screeched up late to collect my kids the other day with I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER blasting out the windows :-) :-) I think I'll go see her live in september... I also love your reading of the lyrics, I took other things form them and that is a beauty in and of itself - how many stories a song can hold.
L x
Thanks Layla, I had a wonderful moment of flow state while writing this post so it’s good to hear it sparked lots of things for you. Also good to know I’m not alone in my seasonal ennui - I’ve felt like such a scrooge some years!
There are so many bangers on that album - perfect for a car singalong! And excellent timing for your arrival at school pick up 😂 I love how the same song can carry so many different meanings and associations for different people.
your holding associations were so poignant and thoughtful, brought new meaning to the song…
{I’ve just booked for September to see her this eve!}
Love reading these comments, Layla. I’m also going to see her in Sept and CANNOT WAIT!
I’m trying to decide if I’m brave enough to go to a gig by myself 😬
If there’s going to a perfect crowd to dance around and shout lyrics, it’s that one ☝️
Yes!👏🏼
Well I’ve booked 2 tickets in Dublin and have no clue who will be joining me so you can come dance with me if you like ?! 🕺
That sounds amazing! 😻
🙌🙌🙌
So much richness in this post that I want to come back to, Ellen. Saving for later so I can dip in and out across the week ahead, in fact. Happy May to you and thanks especially for the reflections on how the change in the season lands with you xx
Thanks Lindsay 🥰 I’m still bewildered to be having an angst free May so far!
Ellen there is so much to love here, I read the post earlier in the week and just came back to re-read. I love your observations on mirroring the abundance of spring with your writing life. Very moved by your descriptions of your own experience of mother/father energy (they sound similar to my own relationships with my parents) and how the way we are held evolves into our holding of others when we become mothers ourselves. I feel like a lot could be soothed by close intergenerational friendships! And I love that writing feels like a way of holding yourself.
Swifts - my mind is blown. I think I must have seen some as I was wondering what on earth those tiny birds in the sky could be (giant moths?!) what a wild species!
Lastly (!) - thank you for reminding me that I hadn't yet listened to Self Esteem's new album yet. been listening all week, what pure joy (and just about to book tickets for brighton, everywhere else in the south looks sold out!)
Delighted that it merited a re-read Chloe! I think you’re right about the intergenerational friendships - in my 40s I’ve developed several friendships with women 10 years or so older, and there’s definitely a feeling of being held by someone a few steps ahead of me on the midlife/menopause “journey” (hate describing things as a journey but sometimes it’s the only word that fits!). The gap between me in my 40s and them in their 50s feels smaller than 20s to 30s, or even 30s to 40s somehow.
yes, I’ve felt such a need to seek those women out. i know what you mean about the age gap feeling closer, isn’t that interesting
Ellen, this post! I knew there would be so much in it from the post header but ahhhh reading it was so validating. I know “feeling seen” is a well used phrase but the emotions you describe about feeling out of kilter with the sudden burst of Maytime feel so apt and relevant for me right now. Two weeks ago I was revelling in the pink blossom of the park and now it’s all gone and covering the windscreens of cars along the street, and in its place we have days of sunshine, bbqs, big blousy flowers in bloom. It all feels very sudden and I’ve been struggling with that, especially as it coincides with a big shift for me in caring/working. Thank you for voicing what I’ve been finding hard, and for reminding me that Self Esteem is there to turn up loud and there are swifts to look out for x
Glad it spoke to you Clare, and it’s so good to know I’m not alone in my conflicted feelings about this point in the spring. I had a wobble on my drive to work this morning - everywhere is so green and lush and it felt too much. It’s the cherry blossom that gets me too, and how fast it disappears. Hope your caring/working transition is treating you kindly, it’s a big one to navigate ❤️
Thank you, riding a bit of a rollercoaster but trying to roll with it. Sending thoughts and solidarity for the wobble also x